i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
