LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
