hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
