youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
