Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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