Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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