I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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