We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
