i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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