I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
