i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
