Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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