I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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