I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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