i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I believe in your delicious
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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