I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
