it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
