In America we eat man semen.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I need to sanitize my soul.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
