i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
