i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
