new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
