Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I understand Curling. That high.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
