I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
