we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
why is half of my head shaved?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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