Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
