my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
