shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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