Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
