Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
