I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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