my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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