I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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