fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
