i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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