Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
