Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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