I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
smell my finger.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
