I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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