I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
i think my cat just said my name.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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