The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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