Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
