I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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