i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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