How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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