How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
i need some magic done to my vagina
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
