If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Floor bacon is actually really good
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
