Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
My balls are so social today.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
