The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
