I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Randomize
