i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
he was CRYING into my vagina
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
